Prologue
Today marked one year. The pain was too great, but the time had passed quickly. So quickly it felt as if it was just yesterday. But it wasn't yesterday. It was 364 yesterdays ago. Yesterday there was laughter. For the first time in too long, there was laughter. The memory passed through her mind, making the sides of her lips curve towards the sky. As soon as her brain registered the small movement, her eyes filled with tears. How could she think of smiling, of laughing, when the pain was so huge?
She pictured it; the nothingness that had consumed her. The blandness that controlled her life for a year had her stomach twisting in horrific knots.
"A penny for your thoughts," his voice cut the last thread of strength she had as he walked up behind her. She crumbled onto the soft summer grass; she brought her knees to her forehead, hugged her legs to her chest, and wept.
There was no warning. He hadn't needed one. He hadn't needed an explanation either. After a short moment he sat down next to her and put his arm around her, allowing her to fold herself into his arms. She cried, he rubbed her back, ran a hand through her hair, brushing at the tears that were falling rapidly.
"Jenna, you're okay." He mumbled sweet encouraging words softly as her breathing began to even out. "Jenna, I am here for you. Anything you need and I'll be here for you." He touched his lips lightly to her temple, and he breathed in her scent, that smell of soap and flowers that always followed him long after he left her presence.
She slowly regained the control she hated losing, and lifted her head from his tear soaked shoulder. The sun was high in the sky as she tried to focus on something, on anything. They sat on a grassy hill outside of a small town that had only one gas station, and only one grocery store that was family run. It wasn't much but it was home. It was her home, after that day, it became her home. Nobody had said anything about her running away from the past, nobody questioned her decision. It was time for Jenna. And Gregory was never far behind.
It wasn't hard to pick up your life and move across the country when you had no job, no family and no ties. As Gregory saw it, Jenna was the closest thing to family he had now. And he would forever be living the torture of loving, but not being loved back. Jenna was everything he had ever needed, and the course of the history had crossed their paths more than a few times. This last, lengthy time was the best, and the absolute worst.
When he found out she was with his best friend from college, he enjoyed seeing her face day after day, even if her heart belonged to somebody else. He had thought to himself that he would be a better person for her, that it was him who should be with her, if only he was a month earlier. A month quicker to his hometown, maybe it would have been him that she spilled a milkshake on. Maybe it would have been him that asked her to dinner as the result. Maybe if it was him, it would have saved Michael. His pain and grief added to the knots his stomach was tying.
"Thinking of him doesn't help," she said, surprised by how steady the words came out. "It just hurts. It's been a year Greg, a year without him. It feels as though it's been a lifetime, and only a day at the same time." She relaxed her body, and straightened her legs out letting the sun warm her as she lay back onto her elbows, "he was here. Not too long ago he was here, and now he'll never be anywhere."
Gregory laid all the way back onto the grass and watched the clouds crawl by. He too, felt the pain. Not in the same way, but he felt it. In some ways he felt worse; knowing his friend, whom he considered a brother, was gone, and the love he wished he could have from her could never be his. He cleared his throat, and pushed through the words that came so easily when speaking to her, "Jen, he'll always be right here," he laid a hand on his chest, "and here." he mirrored the action over her heart.
She grabbed onto his hand and held it there as she lay down completely. They were side by side, connected, touching only over her heart. His hand was on fire under her delicate fingers, which clung to him as if she was drowning in a sea of choppy water. "I know Greg. I am so lucky to have you here. I need you more than you know."
Not knowing how those words would stir up his feelings, she closed her eyes as the wind picked up and rushed warm air around them. He blew out a big breath, "Jenna, I will always be here."
A promise he would try hard to keep. A promise he didn't know he couldn't keep. They laid there, hand over hand over heart until the sun went down. He was kind to her then, as he had always been; helping her off the grass, walking her home, staying for a glass of wine, and being the pillar of strength he always tried to be.
They sat and reminisced about the time they shared, with each other, and with Michael. As they drank the sorrow of loss away, the night grew late and the fatigue in Jenna’s face began to show. There were dark smudges under her eyes as they sat next to each other on the couch. She leaned her head onto his shoulder; her voice became thick with exhaustion as her body shut down, and she fell effortlessly asleep as though she hadn’t slept in that full year.
Gregory sat there for a long while, feeling the weight of her against his body. His arm was wrapped around her, and he could feel her breath on his neck. It was a torture he lived through daily; feeling her near him, or touching her, and somehow he never broke free from the torture. Greg moved slowly from under her sleeping body, and covered her with a quilt nearby. He kissed her forehead and wiped some stray hairs from her face. She was quite beautiful, her face relaxed with sleep. Her lips were inches away from his as he knelt next to her. If only he could close that gap. If only he could satisfy the craving of those rose colored lips.
He stood, lightly brushing the back of his knuckles across her cheek. He left her house, locking the door behind him. Greg put the key she’d given him into his pocket, walked into the darkness, and not yet knowing, out of her life.
__________
When Jenna woke up that morning to the sun slanting in from the shades, she couldn't remember why she had fallen asleep on the couch. The memories of the night before surfaced slowly thanks to the wine she had drunk. Lifting her arms above her head, she stretched and yawned, deciding that a shower would be first on her to-do list. She swung her legs over the side of the couch and sat with her back curved and her shoulders slumped. Resting her chin in her hands she swore at the pounding headache that was creeping up through her neck to the front of her forehead.
Looking around the living room she was reminded how alone she truly was. A white computer desk sat against one wall with only books and a laptop on the surface, a matching white chair was set up in front of the makeshift work area. There were no pictures on the desk, no personal items on the walls, or on the bare end table that held one lone lamp. She had an antique rug in the center of the floor, and she could feel the softness of it under her toes. The couch she was sitting on wasn't much to look at, a mocha colored sectional; comfortable and big enough to sleep on through the night. It was there she had fallen asleep so many times, especially in the beginning, not being able to sleep in bed alone. The ache was so great she couldn't bare laying on the queen sized mattress when she barely took up a forth of its size.
Not sure of when Gregory had left, she decided it had been sometime during the night, and she'd get a few things done before she called him. They were to go on a long hike they planned on taking in honor of Michael. The last memory of the three together was their hike they had taken only a week before the accident, a week before everything changed.
Knowing it would do no good, but being unable to stop herself, she thought of the day she lost him. It was a beautiful day, the flowers were blooming, and your skin warmed the moment you stepped outside, it was the perfect day. A day that was to be spent at a picnic down by the lake; she could have sworn, and will never know, that it would have been the day he proposed.
Squeezing her eyes shut hard, the lukewarm water of the shower hit her body. The bumps rising on her skin due to the cold did nothing to stop the memory from plowing through her. She had leaned against the rail of the bridge they agreed to meet on, and stood with the sun showering her in warmth as she waited. When he was late, she forgave him, and told herself he was heading out the door when I had called him ten minutes before, that maybe he had needed to go back to grab something he had forgotten. The little park they always met at was in the middle of their apartments and was only a five minute walk to and from, so when he hadn't showed for twenty minutes, she began to worry.
She kept thinking; if she would have walked towards him. . If she had heard the sirens. . She could have stopped him before he walked across the street that morning. She could have stopped the driver who lost control of their car. The police said it was a cell phone, a text message, human error. Since then, that's all there was; human error.
Tears flowed as she scrubbed her hands over her face. The water hit her back and she inhaled deeply. She thought, every day you survive is one more day you prove you can survive. Stay strong Jenna.
She pulled herself together, holding her head high, got out of the shower and dressed. She was making coffee in her kitchen when the phone rang out. Smiling to herself ever so slightly, she reached over and saw a number read out that she didn't know. Slightly disappointed it wasn't Greg, and not wanting to answer to anybody else, she let it ring through to her voice mail. Humming to no tune whatsoever, Jenna made a bagel, got a cup of coffee and padded out to her back deck. Sitting at the patio table, diving into her breakfast, she punched the keys on her phone and listened to the message she would never listen to again after that moment, but one she'd never forget.
Hey Jen, it's Greg. I can't talk long--static--I got called back Jen. I can't give you the details because frankly I don't know them. I will contact you again the next moment I get. Stay strong Jenna. There was a long pause and more static before he finished, I’m so sorry. I love you Jenna. Don't you ever forget it.
The phone dropped to the table with a loud clunk as she stopped chewing. Her heart began to pound hard in her chest and her breath came in jagged gasps. He was gone. Just like that. She knew, from the last time he had been called away that there was nothing she could have done to hold on to him for a moment longer. This time though, she knew why. She knew it was his military contract; when they called him, he went. They say, 'jump' and he says, 'how high?' There was no turning back now. And as she tried to control her breathing, she felt an intense pressure on her chest; at that moment she knew, she was alone. There was nothing to do about it now.
